I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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