Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
