The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Two words: nipple clamps
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