you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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