turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
