I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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