separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
