I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
