If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize