Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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