mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize