That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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