Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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