dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize