I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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