Do you still have your period?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
