If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
