I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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