the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
