Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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