can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
