I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
