: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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