I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
