someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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