Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize