woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
