I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
