I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I will be naked everywhere
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
