I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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