my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
