A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
