I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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