is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the raccoons are back...
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