She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dick has a subreddit
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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