Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
