So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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