Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
