and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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