Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize