I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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