one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
