well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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