Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
