Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
