i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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