someone threw a dead crab at me
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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