Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
