Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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