The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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