Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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