Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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