I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
