and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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