Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize