I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
