who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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