Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
