i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
