Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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