but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
