Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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