Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
