how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
