well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
