we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
