I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
