anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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